Gay Dating | Men Seeking Men | Guardian Soulmates
Search for gay singles in the UK online on the Guardian Soulmates dating site. Blog for great tips and advice and to hear from gay couples who've found love. A Gay Guy's Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love [Jim Sullivan] on Sullivan's banal scripted "one-minute encounters" should encourage even. In a world almost obsessed with love, why do so many gay men struggle to find The way we date, meet people and socially interact is forever with one word answers and only asking him what sexual position he prefers.
Porn Star Sex is Available to Everyone While most of us have seen porn, it is rarely viewed with a critical eye and the understanding that it is a form of entertainment. Repeated viewing makes you believe that every cock is huge, there is never a need to negotiate sexual interaction and most importantly this is the only thing that matters to men.
My initial viewing of gay male porn at nineteen was brought to me by my first gay male relationship. My terrorist enjoyed encouraging me to watch porn and then blatantly and cruelly denying me sex.
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Without true, non-sexual conversations there is not much chance of finding and keeping true love. True love is not about the type or frequency of sex. True love is also not about mechanics, predictability or fantasy. It forces us to be uncomfortable and often requires that we straddle the unfamiliar with the possibility that everything could change at any moment.
When things change, we have to deal in the moment and not go into familiar roles and behavior.
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In porn, no one is thinking they are doing. In porn, everyone is a fuck beast and is a master at doing the deed. True love requires some errors. A while ago, there was much discussion about bareback porn.
Committing to truth and an understanding and proper view of fantasy—the substance abuse addictions in our communities is staggering—would eliminate the need for debate. People would understand that having unprotected sex is dangerous and can have lifelong effects.
We are led to believe that we can have or recreate what our personal fave porn performers get paid to do. We think this is possible without a crew, lights, directors, sexually-enhancing drugs and twelve-hour shoots. Great Sex is Risky Sex Sex in public bathrooms and abandoned houses with strangers.
For too many of us, liberation means having the right to not giving a fuck and doing whatever with whomever we choose. This is not grown up liberation. It is a stupid, petulant response to being told that we are not enough.
It is our collective response to a large group of folks that hate us. It also does not provide an opportunity to fully see another human.
When we are tricking in a public place, the possibility of fresh dick and a belief that all fantasies may be fulfilled is overwhelming. We crave closeness and settle for a warm body who will offer orgasms without much personal or psychological work. A constant search for risk leaves us unprepared for true love and the kind of joy that is based in cultivating relationships that lead to real risk—emotional connection.
When a practice is no longer working and is actually causing problems, does it make sense to hold onto it and hope one more body, cute smile or low self-esteem liaison will improve our outlook and offer us a way to enjoy another sans exploitation? Can we change or challenge this notion? Gay subculture is consumed with sexual activity and our personal attractiveness. As a young queen, most of my interactions with other gay men was sex-based.
Could I get you to fuck me? Would you be blown away by my sexual prowess? None of the gay men I knew attempted to dissuade this ridiculous and pointless use of my time. When I meet gay men who are young and full of promise and possibility and obviously being hormone lead, I often draw attention to what their gifts are beyond the bedroom.
Many of them, like my younger self, are not clear about the contributions they can make with their clothes on. Do we want to get married? Do we want kids? Do we want to be monogamous? Who, if we do meet, we most likely end up sleeping with, and confusing the relationship further. Revert back to points 1 and 2. We have very deep scars. As gay men we grow up hiding parts of ourselves because gay still is considered different, and in a lot of places, bad.
We feel like we have to hide a part of ourselves everyday for many formative years, which means we are neglecting other parts of ourselves that should be receiving precious energy. So when we finally do come out, we often confuse this as dealing with our issues, when in fact, this is just the beginning to dealing with what our issues really are.
We go through a second adolescence. Because we held back from being authentically ourselves for most of our adolescence and the beginning of our adult lives, we get a chance to do it all over when we come out. The cherry on top of all of this, is that this usually happens in a big city, or at least some place bigger than the hometown we grew up in, where excess is welcomed. The question is, when is enough enough?
We have unrealistic expectations. Gay men are beyond picky, and we feel like we can be because with social media the pool of possibilities feels endless.
We are men with egos, and we strive to be the best at everything we do because it was something we learned as closeted children.
However, this tends to lead to us having crazy expectations for ourselves, and therefore our mates as well. Everyone is supposed to look like a model, have an Adonis body, be super successful, like everything we like, and fit the molds we've created that no one can ever actually live up to. His ego is hurt. Add to the fact that gays often date with the seasons, and half the year is either thought of as warm single, and often slutty season, or as a cold cuddling more relationship based time of the year.
We forget that we are still animals, and like our furry friends, our bodies change with the tides and seasons in a very natural way. However, gay men are quick to use the seasons as an excuse to why we are "allowed" to behave in certain ways. We aren't definitely going to have kids, which is why most heterosexual people start to couple up and settle down.
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And even today straight couples are waiting longer and longer to have children. However, even when we do couple up, the way in which we operate as couples is quite different than straight couples. Add to the fact that a lot of our friends are single, and it becomes almost more normal to be single in the gay world than in a healthy relationship. We even joke that gay years are like dog years for relationships.
And for better or worse, the second something starts to go sour, we have reminders that there are men everywhere.
Our social circles are full of these perpetual bachelors, who appear to enjoy their singledom, and constantly question why we are looking to settle down. We all have a friend or two, who claims to love being single, but through candid conversations it become apparent he isn't addressing his deeper wounds from past loves and life.
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These single gay friends come with their own baggage, and will often project that we too need to sow our wild oats. Every where we turn, it almost feels like we have everything telling us not to commit. We are afraid of commitment.