Time to throw the dating rule book out the window. Technology and something more. “A week later, maybe you'd be like, 'I should reach out. The first week is probably the most intense part of dating. You need to Tim Robberts / Getty Images 2 / 8 Week 2: Getting to Know Her. Written by Harry Jaffe and Louise Jaffe | Published on February 2, Tweet Share. Dear Harry and it could be “Speed dating in six weeks or say goodbye!”.
The more I think about it, the more I think I'd be bummed if it happened to me. So hive mind let me have it so I don't make these mistakes again in the future.
I can definitely see how completely disconnecting for 3 weeks would lead someone to not want to date you anymore. It's not so much about a specific time frame as it is about the level of communication. At least saying, "Hey, I'm alive and thinking about you, but really really busy" once a week might be enough to keep the interest going on her side. After two months of dating you disappeared for three weeks with no explanation.
You crossed her point of no return. Don't do that again to your future partners.
How long is too long of no contact while dating? - casual blowingit | Ask MetaFilter
Explain yourself to the other humans. They will often understand. That's not ever going to be read as anything less than a total blowoff. If you're ever in this situation again, it is at least courteous to say, "Hey, I'm on the rebound and I'm overwhelmed and I need some space for a bit; I'm sorry, this is just bad timing. That's enough time for her to develop some feelings for you, which means it's enough time for her to get hurt by something like this. Sounds to me like maybe you weren't ready to start dating again.
Taking things a bit farther, when this kind of behavior happens after some making out but pre-sexual encounter, we females sometimes interpret this as, "I didn't put out, so he bailed. Or did you just ignore her? From her point of view, it was a completely blow off. What you should have done was told her that you needed to mentally take care of some stuff, and let her KNOW that you were going to cut yourself off for a while.
Then, with that information, she could have made a choice about whether to keep you in mind, or drop you right there. What you did, though, was give her no information.
And when presented with no information, the human brain tries to draw conclusions based on 1 past experiences, and 2 probable outcomes. It looked like you just stopped being interested, and didn't have the guts to break it off. Even though that wasn't your thought process, that was her's.
And when you show back up, that doesn't heal her.
I've got a feeling you've burned this bridge far too thoroughly. Take this as a lesson learned, and move on, unfortunately. There's a somewhat overplayed metaphor about " the cave and the wave " that people mention in situations like these and you might want ot give it a look and see if it applies. To answer your direct question, if I was seeing someone casually, I'd expect that there would be some sort of regular interval creating itself after a few months.
Sure, sometimes you're both really busy but basic relationship maintenance to me says that if you're seeing someone and want to keep seeing them you'll at least let them know if you're going incommunicado for some period of time. Granted I also know people who disconnect like you do for whom the idea of letting someone know that you're doing this is just totally antithetical to what they're actually doing. That said, it's a bit of a burden on their partners who are used to basic social norms of asking themselves "Is this guy trying to give me a hint?
Am I calling too much? What is going on? In the cases I mention usually there is an explicit "Hey I sometimes disappear for a little bit but if you're worried, just text me and I'll let you know a that I'm okay b that we're still cool" This would not be something I would personally be into, but it seems to work pretty well for them, maybe you can work that into the earlier stages of your next relationship?
Especially if I tried to get in touch with you and was ignored. I would be pissed, hurt, and move right along. It's just too easy today to send a text or email or Facebook message that "I've been really busy, but still thinking about you, hope to hang out soon! So you both sent the message you weren't that into each other. You're wasting energy trying to come up with excuses that it didn't mean what it meant.
Oh, it was just "casual" whatever that meansthere were no full-day dates, there was no sex You don't even need to ask us whether these facts insulate you from criticism, because you're seeing the result: But I find her reaction and the reaction of some in this thread to be bizarrely asymmetrical, assuming that you were both doing the exact same thing.
Why is it solely anonymous's responsibility? If they re-appeared, apologetic and wanting to try again, I would assume it didn't work out with the other person and I would be pissed to be considered a "second choice. You acted like a complete jerk.
Disappearing for three weeks is unacceptable in any intimate relationship where feelings and expectations are fragile and people are wondering where they stand and where the relationship is going.
More helpful, and also true, answer: To be less of a jerk in the future, just communicate, as SNWidget said. If you're not going to talk to her for more than 36 hours or so, just give her a call and say, "Look - I'm still getting over this other relationship.
You’re doing it wrong: 10 new rules for dating
I really like you and I don't want to lose what we seem to be building here, but at the same time I need to take a break. Is that even possible? After two weeks, I'd know it for sure.
After three weeks, he'd be all but forgotten. Dear lady, I had a really crappy couple of weeks and totally disconnected from everything, including, and unfairly, you. Please believe it had nothing at all to do with you, or my interest in you- I was just overwhelmed and dealt with it really badly. It's not at all characteristic behaviour for me and I'm feeling more stable now. I actually really like you, had been having a great time with you, and would really appreciate a second chance to show it.
I understand that I was inconsiderate and I won't treat you like that again- you deserve much much better. Could I buy you dinner on Friday and apologize in person? That might work on me, depending on how things had been going before the rift. It is her call. That would have been the time to write things off, unless something major had happened. As important as it may be to take time to reflect on things, it tends to push people away unless they already know you well. If she didn't make any attempt to contact you, no need to worry about it.
Relationships are mutual, so is communication. If she wouldn't call within three weeks, you really didn't lose much. I think you took the one-way express train to Dicksburg, there.
If I were her, I'd have long since put you out of my mind. But on the plus side, hopefully you got through what you needed to get through. My thought pattern took the following trajectory: What am I, Dr.
Go work out your stuff on your own time, not mine. If you can't handle communicating with me over a relatively minor issue e. It sounds like you already apologized to her and she reacted in a hurt and angry manner. So any further attempts at apologies have high probability of igniting her piss off fuse. Six dates might not seem like enough to build intimacy, much less prompt an exclusivity conversation.
But depending how physical those dates get, they can.
Here's How Quickly Couples Are Becoming "Exclusive" — And Why It's a Good Thing
Judging by the data, we're making out and having sex shocking, we knowwhich can actually be a big deal. A study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the primary function of first kisses it to determine mate suitability and has a meaningful effect on pair bonding — what study author Robin Dunbar called the "Jane Austen" assessment.
The more we engage in physically intimate behaviors with our partners, from kissing to casual sex, the more likely we are to form meaningful bonds that can lead to the real-deal girlfriend or boyfriend talk. Plus there's evidence that heightened levels of the bond-forming hormone oxytocin are responsible for driving those got-to-have-you early feelings of love as well as maintaining long-term connections. That's a lot less than six dates. That physical and emotional intimacy is amplified by behaviors that connect us faster and more frequently to the people we've just met.New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating Week 2
That constant contact fosters feelings of support and communication that make relationships last. We do not condone this practice. That increased communication, plus the physical intimacy, is jumpstarting relationships in a way not previously seen. In the early to midth century, young daters were actually likely to keep their options open ; women were discouraged from eating over a man's house during the evening, and young people were advised to date as widely as possible before getting " pinned.
Fast, but not crazy: When it comes to being "exclusive," six dates, or less than four weeks, isn't so nuts: